Sailor Moon: Decisions (Setsuna)

[lexie-b.livejournal.com]

Title: Decisions
Author: Lexie
Feedback: If you feel so moved.
Characters: Setsuna
Theme: AU – Snow Day
Word Count: 1,285
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Drama
Summary: It was the right decision. That’s why it hurt so much.
Notes: I wasn’t going to write for February until I read some of the entries and I couldn’t help myself. Once again my ‘first of the month is always wonky’ rule applies. There will probably be a continuation and back story to this later on in the month. I shall see.
Disclaimer: Naoko Takeuchi owns the characters and scenarios of Sailor Moon. I am a humble fan and thus make no profit from this venture.

Slush filled her boots as she made her way down the street. She had meant to get them resoled – but it had worked out cheaper to buy new winter boots, which was still too expensive. She had found a pair of socks on sale, though.

They were pretty wet now, though.

Shifting her book bag onto her other shoulder, Setsuna knocked on the Tsukino’s door, rewrapping her scarf.

“Setsuna!” Ikuko opened the door, smiling. “Good morning!”

“It would be better if all this snow would melt,” Setsuna smiled and then sighed. “The radio said today was a snow day for the girls, and I’ve got class and then I’ve got to get to work. I was wondering if you’d mind…”

“Oh honey,” Ikuko looked sympathetic. “Usagi and Chibi-usa are both in bed with the flu. Otherwise, you’d know I’d love to have her for the day. Do you want me to give you the name of our baby-sitter?”

Setsuna slumped her shoulders and readjusted her book bag. “No, it’s okay. I guess I’ve been working weekends lately. It’ll be good to spend some time with her. Thank you anyway – you’re too good to us.”

“It’s a pleasure, Setsuna. Give my love to Hotaru.” Ikuko paused. “Setsuna, you could always call your mother. I know she’d be happy to hear from you.”

Setsuna brushed her hair off her face. “I… maybe. We’re doing okay. Thanks again, Ikuko.”

She didn’t want to think about calling her mother. It had been easier on everyone when she’d moved out with Hotaru. Her parents still sent Hotaru presents on her birthday and at Christmas, but they had never tried to contact Setsuna. Nothing except a line at the bottom of Hotaru’s Christmas card – We hope your mother is well.

She didn’t know what ‘well’ really was. Was it bouncing from low-paying job to low-paying job just to pay rent for their apartment? Was it patching, darning and mending every article of clothing because there was never enough money? Struggling through university courses so that maybe one day she might be able to have a decent career and make a real home for Hotaru?

Reaching her apartment building, Setsuna snatched up the mail – way too many new bills, when the old ones were still stuck to the fridge, underlined in red. Jamming them into her bag, Setsuna wondered how many extra shifts she’d have to pull to pay off all the bills for Christmas and still manage to pay for Hotaru’s presents.

Stomping the snow off her old boots, Setsuna let herself into the apartment. “Hotaru?”

“Momma!” Seven-year-old Hotaru tore from the lounge room, still in her old pink bunny pajamas. “Am I going to spend the day at Chibiusa’s?” She bounced around the kitchen, her eyes bright.

“Usagi and Chibiusa are both sick in bed, so I’m staying home with you today,” Setsuna dumped her bag and scarf on the counter.

Hotaru froze. “Don’t you have school and work today, Momma? I don’t want you to miss your things because of me. I can look after myself. I won’t even play outside in the snow. I’ll do my homework and clean my bedroom and everything.”

“Oh, princess, I’m not leaving you home alone. We haven’t spent a day together in a long time. It will be fun,” Setsuna said. “Why don’t you get dressed? Put on something warm.”

Hotaru tore off, clearly excited to have her mother to herself for an entire day, whilst Setsuna tried to think of a way to make laundry and cleaning sound fun to a seven year old.

“Momma, I think I need a new sweater!” Hotaru called out.

“What’s wrong with your purple one?” Setsuna called back.

“It doesn’t fit anymore.” Hotaru came out, the left side-seam completely torn. “I think it shrinked.”

“Shrank, sweetie,” Setsuna sighed. “Must have done that when I washed it in the bathtub. Ugh. Go and get one of mine. I’m going downstairs to make some calls, okay? There’s some cereal in the cupboard. Don’t open the door to anyone, okay?”

“Yes, Momma,” Hotaru huffed.

Shrugging back into her coat, and jamming her wet-socked feet back into her equally wet boots, Setsuna went downstairs. The payphone out the front of the building only worked half the time, and Setsuna was praying that today was one of them. She really didn’t feel like walking back across the park to get to another payphone.

It was working, thank god, and Setsuna began feeding coins into it – she had to call her friend in her university classes to make a copy of her notes, and then call the department store and tell them she couldn’t make it in today. And then, since she was out of change, do most of the laundry in the bathtub again, and hope to every single power that nothing shrank this time.

Hanging up the phone on her irate employer, Setsuna went back upstairs, completely ready to crawl back into bed with a mug of tea, she found Hotaru sitting outside their front door, looking guilty.

“Hotaru! I told you to stay inside!” Setsuna exclaimed, digging her keys from her pocket.

“Momma, I did something bad.” Hotaru looked guilty. “I was trying to help and it was an accident.” Her eyes were welling. “I’m really sorry, Momma.”

“Did you hurt yourself?” Setsuna bobbed down to Hotaru’s level. “What happened?”

Hotaru ducked her head and, as Setsuna unlocked the door, she tore into her bedroom and slammed the door. Setsuna shook her head, and walked into the kitchen. Into a sea of foamy water.

Hotaru had touched the dishwasher. The dishwasher she hadn’t used in three years because it had cost so much to run, and it wasn’t that much harder to wash them by hand. There was soapy water everywhere.

“Oh god.” It was quarter past eight in the morning. She had a daughter home from school, she had to stay home from work, all of Hotaru’s clothes were getting too small and now the kitchen was flooded. Christmas was on the horizon, and if she wanted to pay any of her bills, there wouldn’t be anything left over for rent.

Leaving the mess in the kitchen, Setsuna knocked on Hotaru’s door and let herself in. Hotaru was curled on her bed, her arms wrapped around her plush cat.

“I’m sorry, Momma. I was trying to be helpful,” Hotaru managed, tears on her cheeks.

“It’s okay.” Setsuna lay down beside her daughter. “I’m glad you aren’t hurt.”

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair her family hadn’t been able to face her. That there was never enough money. That Ikuko Tsukino spent more time with Hotaru than she ever did. That she’d tried so hard to make this work and it had fallen as easy as a deck of cards. She had only ever wanted the best for her baby girl.

She would later cry into her pillow for making this decision, but she had to do it. This was no longer about her, or anything that happened all those years ago. This was about Hotaru and the opportunity for her to live somewhere safe and warm, with new clothes and new toys, and to be able to spend time with family.

“Let’s go mop up the kitchen, and maybe we can watch the video with the princess,” she said gently, wiping Hotaru’s tears away. She’d give herself this day. And tomorrow she’d call her mother, send Hotaru to her parents’ home. They’d love Hotaru, give her everything she’d ever need. And she could still visit her.

Setsuna buried her face in Hotaru’s hair, biting her lip. It was the right decision. That’s why it hurt so much.